Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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