I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
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