i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
