There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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