We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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