T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
