No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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