One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
