So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
