everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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