I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
