To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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