I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
