i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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