She kept screaming "best case scenario"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
