the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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