i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
