the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
