God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
