I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
