if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
