I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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