my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it's like iHOP with fire
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
