the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
