I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
