Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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