Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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