Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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