How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
