Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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