Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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