Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Its about making memories worth repressing
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Are we still banned from the library?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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