so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
