this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im holly from the hills drunk
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
