every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
