I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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