those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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