Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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