I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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