I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
