The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
