I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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