just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
FUCK WHALES
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