the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
