Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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