If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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