sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
