you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i think i have two assholes
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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