It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
