is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Randomize
