I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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