Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I love you. Go after that dick
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
